The Valley Of Her Heart
by fatelesskitten
Summary: When the Queen dies she remembers, when the Queen lived she loved. Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Morgana, Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Merlin


AN:I wrote this years ago so it doesn't really fit canon anymore.

_I know my call despite my faults  
And despite my growing fears_

She loved five times. Tragedy was part of all of these but she can't find it in her to regret.

* * *

This time she knows she shouldn't. She does love Arthur and even the thought of betraying him is painful to her. But there's also that skip in her heart every time Lancelot looks at her like she's everything, the way he's always looked at her even long before she was crowned queen, back when her hands were still rough and her dresses simple. He loves her and she loves him but they also both love Arthur above everyone and she knows that it pains Lancelot to know that he's betraying his King with his very thoughts. Sometimes she wishes that everything was still simple. If she and Arthur hadn't fallen in love, if she had stayed a servant then maybe everything would have worked out in the end.

But nothing is simple and when the day arrives that Lancelot touches linger too long and she is once again lonely and worried about her people while Arthur is away on yet another campaign, there's nothing that can stop them from seeking comfort and salvation in each other's arms. Their first kiss in years tastes like missed chances and destruction and Gwen knows that this is wrong and will only end in heartbreak but it's also _hers_ in a way nothing else has been since the crown was put on her head. Her life belongs to Camelot, her soul to Arthur and now the only thing she has left to give is her heart.

* * *

The first time is slow, steady and burning. She doesn't even notice at first, that it's love and not friendship that paints a smile on her face every day. They're maid and mistress first, friends later and almost more (so much more) at the end. Gwen was only nine the first time she laid eyes on Morgana, standing in the courtyard looking pale, proud and lonely. She had been more beautiful than anyone else that Gwen had ever seen. Her breath had caught in her throat and she had vowed to take care of this fragile and oddly powerful creature. And she did for many years. They had been as happy as Uther's court had allowed them to be, and Gwen's smile had always been just a little bit brighter in Morgana's presence than in anyone else's. Sometimes their touches lingered longer than they should and their eyes strayed where they shouldn't but neither of them ever crossed those last few inches.

She doesn't notice that it's love until it's too late. When she realizes what it means that her heart skips several beats when she sees her, Morgana is long gone, if not in body then in mind. She loses her first love to magic, revenge and darkness and she will always ask herself what might have happened if she had realized her feelings earlier, if maybe they could have been happy together.

At the end of all things she sees her disappear into the mists of Avalon and she sends her one last (real) smile.

* * *

The third time is Arthur. He's different from all the others because with him, he's not the mysterious stranger or the steady burn of friendship turned into something more. He had always been there, from her early childhood on, the glowing and arrogant prince that commanded all of their love without any effort. It's not until Merlin arrives that he changes from a mere symbol to a man, someone she could love as more than just her king. He's still complicated; he makes mistakes and has problems admitting his faults. But he's also so full of honour, ready to sacrifice everything to do the right thing and he starts to listen when others talk to him. He's extraordinary and being loved by him is an intoxicating feeling that leaves her reeling, blind to everything (and everyone) but him. The first few years of their courtship are like a rush that causes her to miss a lot of things she otherwise wouldn't have. She often thinks that her early, overwhelming love for Arthur was one of the reasons that she lost Morgana (because why else would she hate her so?) It made her underestimate the feelings Lancelot still held for her (and the ones she had for him) and how lonely Merlin always really was among them.

She and Arthur are more complicated than a lot of people expected. She doesn't think either of them ever really regretted choosing the other but it's also true that neither of them were sure they would choose each other again given the chance. Thinking back they probably were never meant for each other. They had a good love, a good life for many years but they never really understood each other fully.

When they say goodbye it's a bittersweet farewell of friends and not one of lovers.

* * *

Between Morgana and Arthur is the one she will never regret. Her love for Merlin starts when she sees him for the first time but it's not burning nor is it bitter. It starts in friendship and what she likes about him is that he's easy to love and that there's nothing big about him (except maybe his ears and his heart). She envisions a quiet life, a small but cozy home and holding hands before a fire. Of course she turns out to be completely wrong about him but that first year that she knows him she thinks that she's found her future.

Her love for Merlin never disappears but it turns into the love for a friend. Even after she finds out that she never really knew him at all it doesn't take her long to adjust that love because no one who knows Merlin for longer than a few weeks would ever expect him to be simple.

After Arthur is dead their friendship is something that falls apart like ash in her hands. The way he looks at her, like he blames her for his loss, for their loss, turns her stomach to ice and she knows in that moment that she's lucky to still stand there alive. She leaves him with his grief and when she looks back and sees him bent over, broken and terribly lonely it's the last time she ever lays eyes on him. He hides from her from that moment on and she thinks that it's only that last bit of love for her that keeps him away.

* * *

The most important one, the one that is without regret, without doubt and without jealousy is Camelot herself. The love for her kingdom has always been in her heart even long before it was _her_ kingdom. As a child she lay on the earth for hours just breathing in the smell and feeling the vibration of all the lives around her. It's Camelot that gives all of them their purpose and even more important: it's Camelot that brings all of them together. Without their kingdom their lives would probably have been easier but also a lot emptier. The history they've written in its bloody sand will make sure that people will remember that they were more than enemies. They were friends, lovers, brothers and sisters. They all loved each other in some ways and they all hated each other in others.

And maybe Guinevere wasn't the Once and Future King, the greatest sorcerer to ever live or the queen of Avalon, but she lived and she loved and her country would never forget her for it.


End file.
